This OtherSpeak post is written by Anita Yoder, a dear friend of mine. She is currently living in my community, but she is more of a global citizen, having spent her life between Virginia, Ireland, Poland, Pennsylvania, and probably a few other places I forget. She blogs here at Tis a Gift to Receive, and her book is called Life is for Living (Not for Waiting Around). It is available here even if the website says out of stock – just a glitch.
“My church doesn’t know what to do with me.”
I’ve heard this line from singles many times. Maybe it’s the default setting in a sub-culture that greatly values marriage and family, but it always makes me sad. However, I’m deeply grateful for a church that gives me a place and lets us singles feel welcome, equal, and human.
Some things they do to give us a place:
- The ladies look for ways for us to be together—ladies’ evenings when the men have brother’s meeting, women’s retreats, extra ladies’ nights when we relax and laugh and tell stories.
- The men meet my eyes and shake my hand after church. They regularly publicly honor and praise single and married women’s contributions to the families, school, and church.
- Families invite me for meals and tuck leftover food into my bag as I leave because they know I don’t have all day to cook.
- They treat me like an individual with a life: they remember my birthday and ask about my family. They care about my dreams.
- The men generously give advice and assistance in their area of expertise: purchasing and maintaining a car, phone, house, or garden, which can include pest control, yard work, or a mechanic’s number.
- They send us reports of their brother’s meetings.
- They treat us like people who have something valuable to contribute, and so we’re on the hostess list and the church cleaning list and the list of people for jobs on reorganization night. And no, I don’t like the job they gave me but it means they believe in me.
- They compliment my clothes. They remember I was gone last week and ask about the trip. They remember to ask about things we’ve talked about before.
- They don’t ask us singles to serve the Valentine’s banquet.
- They invite me to join their family in the fellowship dinner line.
Some time ago, in another place, I was helping to host an event and several men acted as if I wasn’t there. Were they wanting to prove their loyalty to their wives? Was I intimidating or dangerous? I got a taste of my friends’ lines: “They don’t know what to do with me,” and I felt newly thankful for the conversations, camaraderie, and support the men in our church give to me and other single women.
A key part of this is that healthy relationships are two-way streets. I aim to give more than I take. I need to contribute, not just consume. I must plug in, make effort, invest, because the good life is not about me and my comfort. I often don’t feel like going to cell group or bringing food for an event or doing my assigned job, but who does? And who will have the richest life—those who stay home and curl into a ball when they feel like it, or those who push themselves to do hard things and love their people?
It goes both ways, but if you know a single in your church, think about how you could love her well and let her feel like she matters and belongs.
– Anita Yoder
What do you think? How are you doing with the single friends in your life? Or, if you are single, how is the two-way street working out?
I voice a hearty amen to your post Anita. I also follow your blog. I used some excerpts from your book at a ladies seminar where I was asked to speak about Flying Solo. Thanks!
I agree especially with your take on the two way friendships. I suppose this is true whether married or single.
And if I may I want to give a shout out to the many friends I have at my church here in Ontario. There are few singles at my church but the marrieds do very well at including us and I am grateful for that!
Our tiny fellowship is usually about one-third single women and I value our relationships from another perspective. For one, as a younger married lady, the single ladies are often more available for adventures or game nights than the other ladies who have more children and are busy homeschooling. Of course I’m grateful that I can talk to other moms about raising our children, but I love too that conversations with the single ladies (including your lovely sister, Anita) tend toward ideas and growing plants and books we’re reading more than child-raising. And one of the best blessings is the “auntie” role they play in the lives of my children.
I think our church is doing well with our singles. We have have a thing called Dinner For Eight. Usually the groups have four couples but there are singles who get assigned to the couples group which blesses them and blesses us married couples.
Many families in our church love to fellowship with our singles because many don’t have local family.
So beautiful, and well written! In Ukraine, they have a national holiday called “women’s day” where all women (not just mothers) are celebrated. I love that! I’m not sure why we put each other in boxes by our marriage status. Really, we’re just women with different responsibilities. Let’s include all women in our connections and community. Let’s build on our sameness and celebrate and encourage each other’s strengths! That’s would Jesus would do!