Questionnaire on parent-child relationships

If there’s one thing that’s being made increasingly clear to me about mothering, it is that my frustrations are not unique to me. We’re not as alone as we think we are.

The other day I wrote a questionnaire for my kids, out of vexation with a few of our relational rough spots. I made it with my oldest in mind – he is turning twelve next week – but then the other children wanted in on things too. My kids have always loved filling out stuff like this; I guess because I do.

The bulk of it was written on a Likert scale: On a scale of one to five, how strongly do you agree with these statements?

As children grow, parents should allow them increasing choice, even when their decisions are not wise.

If parents ask unreasonable things of a child, obedience is not required.

All children should be treated equally.

One parent is often more sympathetic than another, and more likely to agree with you.

I added a few open-ended questions. If you could choose five words to describe the relationship you’d like to have with your parents during your teenage years, what would they be?

I wanted the document to become a launch point for discussion after they filled it out, and it sure enough was. Their answers were enlightening. (Okay, I also wanted to prove a few points to my oldest. I admit it.) We each saw briefly from the other’s perspective, and had fun doing it.

I made a simpler version for younger children, questions like

Daddy and Mommy usually agree.

Yes? No? Or sometimes?

I feel like my family listens to me.

I feel really stressed out when…

I don’t know, maybe it was silly. I don’t model my home on what my children think, I already told you that. But sometimes I want to invite them to say what they feel about “us” – who we are as a family, and what they wish could change. I really loved hearing what they thought, even though it stung in a few places.

I’m sharing the questionnaire forms here for you, in case you want to use them too. They were written quickly, and have a few problems which I am not in the mood to fix. For me, this was about reaching to learn and grow; if you think it’s a sign that my children are deeply heard and perfectly cared for – well, meet them. They will have a few things to say about that.

Questionnaire for Parent-Child Relationships in our Home

Questionnaire for Younger Children

To all mothers in the trenches – Grab a coffee, give a hug, start that laundry. You’re not alone. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not either.

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6 years ago

Wow, I love this. The openness, the intentional communication. This is great!

6 years ago

This is super…. just what I needed when the joy of summer is starting to wear thin and the challenge of relating day in and day out is showing up the weak spots in our relationships! I agree… 12 is when the rubber really starts hitting the road! Blessings to all the summertime Mothers out there!

6 years ago

I love these! I think they would be a great conversation starter with your children, and (since I don’t have old enough children yet) I think they would even be a fun conversation starter with adults, about raising children, their rights, etc.

6 years ago

Not sure I’m ready for this… 🙂

Not A (biological) Mom
6 years ago

I could cry. What a beautiful way to validate what your children think; to HEAR what they feel/think and be willing to learn from it. It’s one way to show them that they have a voice, and what they say/think is important. (Yes, I read your disclaimers…:) And still think this is amazing! Blessings!

6 years ago

Sometimes I want to tell people, “Listen to your critics.” Not in the sense that you make all your decisions by all they say, but at the very least that you hear- really HEAR!- them.

I love this questionnaire for that very reason. As an unconverted preteen, I knew when I was being unreasonable, irrational, and bratty. I just wanted to be *Heard!!!* and was too dumb to go about it the right way. I hope I can remember, in 10 years, the approach you used here…

and I hope I won’t forget what it was like to be 12, 13…

Audrey P
6 years ago

A new reader here… happy to have found your blog. I’ve spent way too much time the last few days reading backwards through your confessions! 😉 We’re all alike more than we are different, yes? Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

Carla Zehr
6 years ago

I wonder if this would help clear the air in relation to some things I worry and wonder about as a mom. Thanks!

4 years ago

hello can i ask your permission to use research instrument the questionnaire in our theses purposes?

4 years ago
Reply to  orchids

Sure! Just give credit. ? Thanks for asking. Good luck with your research.

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