Advice: Do not become a dog, if you can help it.
I like to read our dog food bag—it’s great amusement.
“Better Health. Better Nutrition.
“Nutritionally Balanced and Naturally Preserved with the Finest Ingredients
“Quality Animal Proteins, Fats, and Wholesome Carbohydrates
“A 100% Complete and Balanced Nutrition for Dogs of All Life Stages”
Sounds great! Open up the bag, and behold round brown pellets, looking like a cross between deer poop and pressed ladybugs.
- No Corn, Wheat, Soy or Fillers
- Nutritious Whole Brown Rice
- Antioxidants and Probiotics
- Superfortified with Vitamins
- Balanced Omega 6 and 3 Fatty Acids for a Lustrous coat and Healthy skin
- Great Taste and Superior Digestibility
- (and get this:) If not completely satisfied, return the unused portion for a refund to the place of purchase.
(All direct quotes, I kid you not. Complete with dramatic capitalization.)
Question: Why has no one ever invented “complete nutrition” pellets for humans? You’d think that some of us—the most efficient and nondramatic of us—my husband, for example—would have patented a superfood by now. No?
Think of all the time and fuss it would save! No wondering at 4:00—What do I cook for supper tonight? No stopping here and there for the perfect ingredients—Buy in bulk for all your family’s needs! In one fell swoop we could eliminate 60% of household appliances, 70% of American obesity, 80% of finicky eaters, and 90% of grocery shopping.
Oh yes, and 100% of culinary pleasure.
If you’ve ever had a head cold that removed your powers of scent and taste for a few days, you know the entire pointlessness of eating without them. Moving a fork up and down, chewing, and swallowing become tasks of unbearable tedium and monotony. I’m convinced that given such a state of affairs, we’d all starve to death. Or turn into vegetables.
(Not turn to vegetables, you see. Turn into.)
It’s a dog’s life.
So. I’m pretty happy that “the most efficient and nondramatic of us” are not in charge of gastronomic arrangements. And I think it a wonderful mercy of God to make so many of our body-maintenance jobs fun. Hot showers. Fresh air. Clean teeth. Warm clothes. Savory meals.
Thank you, Jesus.
P.S. There are other reasons not to become a dog. Since we recently acquired one (temporarily, I wager), my kids have taken to impersonating him. Mommy, may I be your puppy? As though one wasn’t enough…! They want to play fetch, with tireless energy, and they bark outside my bathroom door. Help.