Dog food for thought

Advice: Do not become a dog, if you can help it.

I like to read our dog food bag—it’s great amusement.

“Better Health. Better Nutrition.

“Nutritionally Balanced and Naturally Preserved with the Finest Ingredients

“Quality Animal Proteins, Fats, and Wholesome Carbohydrates

“A 100% Complete and Balanced Nutrition for Dogs of All Life Stages”

Sounds great! Open up the bag, and behold round brown pellets, looking like a cross between deer poop and pressed ladybugs.

  • No Corn, Wheat, Soy or Fillers
  • Nutritious Whole Brown Rice
  • Antioxidants and Probiotics
  • Superfortified with Vitamins
  • Balanced Omega 6 and 3 Fatty Acids for a Lustrous coat and Healthy skin
  • Great Taste and Superior Digestibility
  • (and get this:) If not completely satisfied, return the unused portion for a refund to the place of purchase.

(All direct quotes, I kid you not. Complete with dramatic capitalization.)

Question: Why has no one ever invented “complete nutrition” pellets for humans? You’d think that some of us—the most efficient and nondramatic of us—my husband, for example—would have patented a superfood by now. No?

Think of all the time and fuss it would save! No wondering at 4:00—What do I cook for supper tonight? No stopping here and there for the perfect ingredients—Buy in bulk for all your family’s needs! In one fell swoop we could eliminate 60% of household appliances, 70% of American obesity, 80% of finicky eaters, and 90% of grocery shopping.

Oh yes, and 100% of culinary pleasure.

If you’ve ever had a head cold that removed your powers of scent and taste for a few days, you know the entire pointlessness of eating without them. Moving a fork up and down, chewing, and swallowing become tasks of unbearable tedium and monotony. I’m convinced that given such a state of affairs, we’d all starve to death. Or turn into vegetables.

(Not turn to vegetables, you see. Turn into.)

It’s a dog’s life.

So. I’m pretty happy that “the most efficient and nondramatic of us” are not in charge of gastronomic arrangements. And I think it a wonderful mercy of God to make so many of our body-maintenance jobs fun. Hot showers. Fresh air. Clean teeth. Warm clothes. Savory meals.

Thank you, Jesus.


P.S. There are other reasons not to become a dog. Since we recently acquired one (temporarily, I wager), my kids have taken to impersonating him. Mommy, may I be your puppy? As though one wasn’t enough…! They want to play fetch, with tireless energy, and they bark outside my bathroom door. Help.

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11 years ago

I think the dog likes it.

11 years ago
Reply to  The Boss

PS: He likes the cat’s food better.

11 years ago

Cheerios worked pretty good for my two legged pets. (Still does)

Mama Zook
11 years ago

I think some babies are healthier than others, because the dog food is left in an open bag for handy “feeding of the dog” and baby can help themselves to it also! They probably grow up to be less finicky eaters if they’ve had enough of tasting the dog’s great food!

11 years ago

LOL @ Mama Zook’s comment! Thanks, Shari, for reminding me why I don’t want to be a dog. I sat here contemplating the relaxing nature of the animal, but alas, you’ve opened my eyes that no, it would not be the wonderful life I so thought. haha Funny story – my husband is allergic to dogs (well, was allergic) and after 19 years we broke down and got a non-shedder (a Maltipoo). No problems, my husband did great and then… we discovered the DOG had allergies and we have to give him some special food now that looks like corn pops. I’m clueless enough, it probably is corn pops and I’m just a sucker.

11 years ago

Sounds like you feed/fed Jager better than I did. I’ll bet if humans were destined to a life of dry, meaningless kibble, we would delight in rotting carcasses and deer poop with similar gusto.

Rose Mary
11 years ago

Your children–they bark outside the bathroom door?? That last paragraph. is. hilarious.

Wendy Zook
11 years ago

Too funny! Just this evening I asked Travis if anyone else had kids that like to play fetch. All our children have had stages of doing this. 🙂

Alvin S
11 years ago

If you came up with food pellets for people, I’ll bet they would be a lot like eating the roasted edamame (soybeans) that we got at Costco once (I kinda liked it actually).

Diane Histand
11 years ago

It was interesting to read this post, after having to bury our family pet of 10 years this past weekend. Our dog was outside, we cared for her and the children faithfully fed her. She was aged, the ending story was short. Our oldest daughter, who is a hospice volunteer, said our dog received a hospice cared for death. 🙂 The back yard seems empty, we now have an unfinished bag of that dogfood you referred to sitting in the basement. The tears have been shed and she has been buried and we have fun picutres of sledding with her, posed pictures….. to remember and recall. It has been so interesting to see the response of each member of the family through this family event.

I enjoy your posts.

11 years ago

I agree about 100% culinary pleasure being gone. Is it because a lot of beauty and pleasure isn’t completely practical???

11 years ago

umm, Beth, you could always try one and see. Maybe add a little milk? 🙂 And Josh had me laughing too. Great post.

Suzanna Weaver
11 years ago

My son loves to play “catch” and after he retrieves his “bone” he spreads his legs as far apart as they will go, puts his head on the floor and makes wild moves with his hands/arms as if to be digging for a place to put his “bone”. I always tell him he ate too much dog food when he was crawling. 🙂

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