…because it begged to be written. But I must specify–this is an angry wife, specifically. Do not try it with your next irritable cashier or irate colleague.
1. Shut up. By all means.
2. Take a moment to ponder in silence a couple of very important questions:
- Is she
a) miffed, or
- And–Is there a chance that she is close to tears?
3. If a), plant a kiss on her cheek and slip out without a lot of ado. Give her a bit of space and come back soon with a hug and a present—something sweet from the store, or just a pretty wildflower. This is probably all it will take. *Crucial note: If she is b, don’t even think about a present. She will despise you for groveling.*
4. If b), do not walk away. This is the hardest step of all.
5. Let go of your plans for the afternoon. The saga may take a while.
6. Get the children out of the way.
7. If she is close to tears (and an angry woman is usually closer than either of you is aware), w a t c h your words with utmost care. But get her talking. The teary dissolving is your friend; do not be scared of it. It means the ice is melting.
8. If she is furious but not close to tears, you may have to call her bluff. Move in with a great deal of strength—Girl, I love you and I’m sticking with you. Fight it out with me.
9. Let her lash out when you do it all wrong, and when she simply needs an unresisting object to lash. Her own sharp words will bring her around to tears and repentance faster than anything you can do. Women feel a huge reaction of affection the moment after they beat up on the man they love. We’re talking basic laws of nature: To every action, there is always an equal and opposite reaction. (Example here.)
10. And after it’s all over, and the making up has just commenced, tell her very softly that she’s really s-xy when she’s mad.
Credit to the man who learned how to do it. “All men are created equal. Some are just better equipped.”
Now of course we are deathly curious. How universal is this?