Confession: All you need to mother a teenage boy is a shooting range, nerves of steel, and about a ton of provender.
We adopted my kid brother for half a week while my parents toured Ireland. Based on this extensive experience, I compiled a list—Traits of Adolescent Boys.
- They are starving an hour after lunch. They sneak food by the handful, and hope it was okay later.
- They are endlessly infatuated with water, weapons, and what time it is.
- They are longsuffering and tenderhearted, kind in unexpected places, wiping the table after they clear it off.
- They speak with concern of their “acne,” and peer with anxious, pardonable pride at their two lonely pinpricks of red.
- They are just starting to care about their hair (which always looks exactly the same) and their 6-packs (on skinny brown bodies) and protein shakes and gaining weight.
- When they hint delicately at who they “like,” they’re both hoping and terrified you’ll ask.
- They are insufferable when happy, chain-whistling Yankee Doodle at high tempo.
- They are adept at turning every situation to their own advantage.
- They leave wristwatches and large wads of Kleenex in the pockets of their laundry. And you will be picking Airsoft BB’s out of the dryer vent for years to come.
- They can’t wait for what’s next, and are dawg bored now.
- Met with any animal on the face of the planet, they will tame it or shoot it. Or both.
We’re in for a real ride here in a few years… when we have two around.