Confession: My husband and I* cannot navigate in Holmes County.

*We are together for better or for worse. Otherwise I might have to point out, as I did in the moment, that it wasn’t I who … but I digress.

It doesn’t help that all the roads were originally cowpaths. Cows are great at finding their way, but not necessarily as the crow flies. They go more for the road less travelled by.

It doesn’t help either that the roads show up on Google Maps by such names as TR 3641 and CR 17; and show up out the car window as Creekbottom Drive and Stingy Lane. If they show up at all. Electronic roads tend to vanish behind notices of No further cell phone service, and roads out the car window have minds of their own, wriggling snakelike out of sight just when you need them most.

Me, I’m comfortable with the kind of instructions that go Turn right at the red barn and head up the hill till the road makes a slight Y; take the left branch. You just have to keep a light hand on the reins and let the road carry you. But Ryan gets grim. It wasn’t marked!

Our game for the week was Fifty Different Ways to Get from Point A to Point B.

Extra points for doubling your projected driving time.

Extra points for making a passenger request a barf bag.

Extra points for hitting horse poop.

No backtracking.

Was that our road? asks Ryan, cruising by. Looked like a slight Y to me, says Shari. He hits the gas, filled with ambition to find the next road headed the same direction. I press the floorboards, filled with angst as I sense our destination receding farther and farther into the rearview mirror.

However. The cows were awfully good at finding their way to cheese houses, chocolate factories, and the best donuts in the world. Anytime my man wants to take me to Holmes County, I’m game.

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Mom Coblentz
10 years ago

You have me grinning!!

10 years ago

It’s Holmes County. All roads lead to Nome.

I take credit for the fact that we never took the route recommended. And we got There and Back Again.

Haha! Yes, road signs and Google maps don’t always coincide! We arrived at a church service 1/2 hour late once due to that. But, I must admit to loving Holmes County.

10 years ago

We should receive extra points when we’re in the Garment of Praise bus in Holmes County. We follow all the rules for the game… except we insert one extra one when absolutely necessary: You may turn around, if you find the smallest intersection or driveway possible to turn around in, added points if there are huge ditches on each side. 🙂

Jean Nisley
10 years ago

This is hilarious! Sorry, Ryan, but it is. Probably slightly colored from HER point of view???? 🙂 Our GPS took us all over Charlottesville the other day trying to find a Subway. I was STARVING and I WANTED Subway. We tried two different ones on the GPS and both led us to no man’s land. Well, at least there weren’t Subways where it said there were. I’ve heard of someone driving into a lake cause the GPS told them their destination lay somewhere ahead. How blonde can you be?

10 years ago

I laughed till tears came. “Finding the next road headed that direction…” Ho ho! It’s so like what happens to us it has me in stitches!

10 years ago

Smiling! Wondering if we drove on the same cow paths Thursday. Holmes County churches need to have a GPS address added to their physical address.

Rachel Shenk
10 years ago

Ditch the GPS and use a good ole-fashioned map or advice from someone on the street corner!

10 years ago

Holmes Co. is not alone in that unique thing . . . This past weekend we were diligently following our GPS in upscale Reynoldsburg OH area (suburb of Columbus) and our GPS kept assuring us that we need to follow this road, and then this one, and then the next one to get to Wendy’s. Since we were hungry, we diligently followed, although a bit dubious since it seemed we were in a strong residential section. We were finally assured insistently that we had “arrived at your destination” when we hit the end of a road, which was still firmly in a ritzy housing development. We joked about the astonishment of the home-owners should we all troop to the door and ask for our Wendy’s meals!! Used our own common sense and found a Wendy’s several miles away.

Mama Zook
10 years ago

my morning was just made brighter!! The Boss’s Daddy grew up in Minnesota where you drove East, West, North or South, so when they came to Oregon it was hilarious to ride with them in a vehicle, none of the roads in Oregon head one direction…they meander, as they do in PA and obviously OH. I’ll never forget the time in PA we were heading three directions all at one time…apparently, three roads joined for a short time, one heading east, one south, and one North…talk about confusing! =) but fun!

10 years ago

He!he! All my grandparents lived in Holmes Co., so we visited often. Still I’m pretty sure I get lost at least once every time I’m there. This had me laughing because I could picture (and feel the nausea) so well!

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