This morning I finally said it out loud, the words of heresy I didn’t know were in me, words torn from my heart of hearts.
I am tired of being a puppet in a story I don’t understand. I am tired of explaining for God.
I felt the words scream out from me, felt the ripples shudder across the gray-green barren land for miles, though I said them soft and broken at my kitchen table.
Some tears are gentle and heal the heart. Some scald and sear and rip as they fall. My only sister, oh my sister… her miracle baby given and taken away. Why did He do that?
Please do not stop being Good just because I doubt you.
Please.
The past year has taught me to be shy of newborn hope, though I hold it still against the heart. I stand near the holy Baby with my drum, and throb to Him my pain and my anger as worship. This is my Christmas offering.
I had read Jean’s post earlier and had no words. I still have none! The wonder of the conception, but the anguish of the loss! Hugs!
Oh Shari. How hard it is to see a sister endure suffering and sorrow.
May God be with you, as you share your sister’s sorrow, God Bless your heart of compassion, as you share in your sister’s sorrow. Blessings
“Please don’t stop being Good because I doubt You.”
Pain and anger offered in worship….. so true. Sure do understand that language.
Your title says it well. But wailing for me brings cleansing and healing.
I never experienced the joy of giving birth physically but did give birth emotionally thru adoption twice. There has been a lot of wailing before and after ……and it has been offered as worship in lamentation.
Someday it will all be made clear, and if not, God is still God. And He is still Good.
Mary Yoder
Oh Shari. Sometimes I think if we would quit trying so hard to understand and explain Him and just accept and believe we might be better off……….But grief and pain like this are so hard! And to watch a sibling suffer hurts. My brother and his wife just lost their newborn to trisomy18 and I so understand the language of the Wail! Prayers.
I see your faith growing, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you at the moment.
Love you!
Oh honey, so well written and deeply felt. It’s hard to say these things out loud that we do feel inside from time to time, and it takes a lot of courage. Thank you, it makes us feel less alone with our own thoughts. If I could make it better by snapping my fingers, I would. Prayers and thoughts are with you and also your sister. ♥
At times we can’t even pray…. the pain, the tears, the anguish, the wavering faith.. that is why we need to let our friends have a glimpse into our hearts… so they can pray for us…. praying with tears….
Eyes filled with tears. Words are empty. Love never is. God hears hearts too.
Your sister needs you. Try to remember that even if she pushes you away right now. Don’t worry about being strong. Just be there.
“Please do not stop being Good just because I doubt you. Please.”
I sobbed. This is my heart’s cry in the days where it’s hard to trust.
So so sorry for your sister. My heart aches for her.
I’m sorry about this heartbreak in your life, Shari! My sympathy to Jean n Josh and the extended families as well.
This baby was truly a miracle!! …with what she’d been through…amazing!!! Jeans testimony is an encouragement to us all. Hugs to you! (And Jean) God is love!!
There are no words. Sorry seems so inadequate at these times. May you be given grace to bolster your faith.
Gina
I connect especially with the last part of this post. I have found myself saying to Jesus often in the last few years, This is where I am and not where I want to end; and please believe me that this is my effort of faithfulness. Please believe that this [throbbing drumbeat of pain and anger] is me not giving up.
Oh Sheri my heart is aching for you and your sister. hugs!
While Star of the East is not necessarily a favorite Christmas song of mine, it has some beautiful words: “Sorrow and grief are lulled by thy light, Thou hope of each mortal in death’s lonely night.” These words were pointed out to me by someone else, but they struck a chord in the loss of our little girl. He really is our hope. So sorry for you in the loss of your little niece/nephew.
Dear Shari,
I also lost a niece this fall. My sister’s little girl was born 4 months early. They wanted this little girl so badly!!! Had waited 7 years for this child.
And my sister lives in OR. I have not even been able to give her a hug!! It hurts!! Little Merlita was due Dec 28, soon after Christmas.
I have a book on my shelf of a lady who lived in the mountains of VA. She gave birth to 23 babies and they ALL died. Her blood did not match her husband’s, but they didn’t know at the time what was wrong. Medicine has advanced. She went on at the age of 45 to become a midwife and helped birth 1000’s of babies. Such a story of God turning her ashes into beauty!
I am sorry for the grief.
And yet I think your tears are good. Did you know they actually physically carry toxins out of your body. And out of the soul too!!!!
Infertility and miscarriage are a deep valley to walk through,
I am proud of you for caring so deeply for your sister!!!!
When it is brushed aside and not cared about the pain can feel overwhelming!!!
It is a journey of grace, but all women can ‘mother’ someone!
Ugh, that might sound like I have answers, which you don’t really need as much as someone who really cares!!!!
Prayers and hopes and hugs!!!!!
I’m so sorry. Joining you with my drum.
https://beautifulcaptivation.wordpress.com/2013/05/09/this-mothers-day/
https://beautifulcaptivation.wordpress.com/2014/05/05/mothers-day-and-i-wonder-at-god/
There are so many parts of the story that are different and yet a few that coincide closely. I didn’t survive cancer, but I did give birth to death after the doctors told me I could probably not have a baby.
My heart aches for Jean.
I care about you as a sister too.
Keep banging your drum, Shari. God hears it.
I cried when I read Jean’s post. I am just waiting for the day when all will be made right. I am so sorry, Shari… at Christmastime… when the world celebrates life… you are left wondering about the meaning of death. Hugs!
Oh, Shari. I’m so sorry.
The only comfort is that God will walk with you as you flounder to trust that He is good.