I do not know if you will be a boy or a girl.
I do not know if your skin will be black or white, or something in between.
I do not know if you will be an infant or already grown into a toddler.
I do not know if you will come alone, or in a set of two.
I do not know when you will arrive.
All I know is, I cannot wait to meet you.
Someday you will want to know why we wanted you—why we opted for this route instead of conceiving one of ‘our own.’ I cannot say. I confess that at times the distinction eludes me. People cannot be owned exactly no matter who conceives them and so I am not sure what is signified except deep love; and I promise that will be yours.
We wanted you always, but especially after learning to know in person so many littles who desperately needed safety, love, and adequate care. We wanted to open our hearts to a child already born, to draw you in and warm you and make you one of us. We chose to make space in our family—for you.
I would like to comfort you when you cry.
I would like to rock you to sleep.
I would like to sew something soft in which to wrap you. I have spent a lot of time this fall sewing soft things in which to wrap other babies, and only when I was nearly done did I realize why—I was dreaming of you.
I would like to introduce you to some new relatives: a good, strong daddy and three very excited brothers and sisters; two grandpas, two grandmas, and a whole lot of cousins.
I would like to take your pain into my own chest and let you pummel me when you are angry. I would like to carry your anguish to the One who carries the world.
I would like to make you laugh.
I would like to take you to the zoo and sing you a lullaby and watch you grow and tell you how much I love you.
I would like to make you a birthday cake and a garden plot and a home, forever.
I know that Jesus is already taking good care of you.
I ask Him to hold you every time you are sad, to protect you every time you are in danger, and to bring you to us when the time is right.
I love you!
Last week Ryan and I had our first home visit from a foster-to-adopt agency called Child to Family Connections. CFC works to link families with local children removed from their homes due to abuse or neglect. We have a boatload of paperwork and a lot of work ahead; at any point we may encounter a roadblock making it clear this is not to be. But we have begun, and we pray Jesus for grace to take each step as it comes, knowing that each is no longer the first, and not likely the last…